I Don't Know

Valerie Anne Burns
4 days ago
7 min read

Updated: 20 hours ago

I'm so ready for a magical escape somewhere far away preferably a remote island with a pristine ocean to swim, snorkel, and sail. In other words, back to my mermaid roots. It's been 3-years since I've had an opportunity to travel and I'm weary. I wrote an essay recently titled "I Don't Know", which is appropriate for my current state-of-mind. I don't know how it's my birthday month again or how time has brought me to the age that I am. I also don't know why I thought it was so silly when my dad and every other adults I ran into as a kid would remind me that time goes by fast. For the last decade, I've been saying the same thing to anyone who will listen.

I don't know how to help friends in serious health crises other than offering support and sending them love. One of the sweetest women on earth has pancreatic cancer that has metastasized to her liver and bone. She does her best to dismiss or say, "whatever" when explaining grim news. I immediately tell her she can vent with me... cuss, cry, yell to express her real feelings with no editing necessary. It is horrible and unfair. She has a partner, daughter, and a grandchild that isn't even two yet. Another friend is going through some serious health issues involving her lungs. She was my first and closest friend since I met her nearly 30 years ago in Santa Barbara.

It's a helpless feeling to have when people you love are suffering and I want a magic wand to heal them. I don't know why people disappear when you become seriously ill and I know what that feels like from my own cancer ordeal. It's not something I would do to anyone because it's a situation that can be lonely and isolating. I could never abandon a friend in that way. Since I'm very much on my own, my friends are my family. Being on my own at this age and during a time where peace and ease is well deserved, I struggle. In full disclosure (as I continue to do as a writer), I'm barely making it financially, which is the opposite from ease and enjoying life where I would have the means to travel and help others in need... including our mother earth and all creatures.

I don't know how to be free of the fear that lingers over my head of cancer reoccurring. I do know that the most common fear amongst cancer survivors is being diagnosed again. My Oncologist told me that all her patients have that fear hanging over their heads. I don't know how to live without stress since it seems to follow me and show up at the most inconvenient times. I don't know why so many of us have more than our fair share of challenges throughout our lives. I don't know how we live in a time of unprecedented stress and sadness over a troubled, violent, and tumultuous world.

I don't know how we've gone from #metoo where women

were finally being heard and having their day in court as victims of sexual abuse to normalizing and tolerating

#misogyny #rapists,

#pedophilia, and #coverup? I don't know how we went from a country of Democracy to full-on Autocracy trashing everything we (USA) stand for. I also don't know how we went from "Justice and Liberty for All" to this being meant for only a few (aka white) as long as you don't speak out against the orange fascist breaking the laws of OUR Constitution believing he IS above the law. Maya Angelou's brilliant quote is "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time" And boy were we shown over and over from 2015 on the Billy Bush bus interview stating where trump stated that he can do whatever he wants to women, to a fraud case, inciting an insurrection, to convicted rapist and felon! On and on...

I don't know how those in public office taking an oath working for 'we the people' (serving one man only) can allow the infliction of shameful cruelty on hard-working migrants and immigrants, a large percentage of which pay into Social Security and taxes. They've been thrown to the ground, handcuffed ripped away from their families and hauled off without due-process. Guess what? Over 70% of them are NOT violent criminals in any way. We literally have concentration camps where the armed goons throw them to deal with rotten food, not enough water, extreme heat, and overflowing toilets packed in cages. Is that who we are? Is there enough outrage? Since there's a new deplorable act daily, how do we keep up and watch the trumpian cult continue to defend the indefensible. This includes standing by while children loosing health care, food resources, and looking away when the number one cause of child death is Guns. And, it's the pro-life Republicans that shoot down taking assault weapons out of civilian hands every time the stricter policy comes up. I don't know how the NRA is more important than the safety of our children???

I don't know how I could loose my CenCal (Medicaid) but my Social Worker just warned me of so that I am prepared. She told me the bureaucracy to hold onto it will be a mountain of paperwork. Acquiring CenCal at my breast cancer diagnosis and the need to keep it, esp. with my history, I have to utilize my Medicare and CenCal continuously. But hey, 40% of trump's current wealth has been made in his 8 months being in office without a thought to cutting federal agencies in place to protect us all . Think about the fascist's gained wealth beyond it being illegal. He's made a minimum of 4 billion profit from his dirty deals and grifting while also lining the pockets of billionaire oligarchs. All the while, inflation is up, unemployment is up, gas prices are up, deficit and debt has sky-rocketed, and the tariffs are a disaster mostly used as a power play or retribution.

It is a nefarious, vulgar, despicable, and morally bankrupt administration where all values are compromised. Internationally, trump is seen as a joke and easily manipulated by flattery putting this country in an incredibly vulnerable and unsafe place, which includes waging war against its

own citizens by militarizing and redistricting states -- in preparation to take over the mid-term elections. The Dictators have banned together. trump had our military on their knees to roll out the red carpet for adversary Putin and the war is worse than ever expanding daily, as well as monstrous Netanyahu has been intentionally inflicting genocide in Gaza. They have trump by the balls and he is severely compromised by what they have on him.

ANYONE bowing to trump and the hypocrite Christian cabinet filled with drunks, sexual predators, racists, and fraudulent criminals possessing the least expertise in all of America's history is clearly misguided. I'm sorry to say from every cell in my body that not only trump's minions but citizens who support this degenerate and deranged subhuman with a criminal rap sheet (he is the violent criminal to be deported) has sold their soul to Darth Vader aka the devil that allows for extreme corruption and cruelty.

Here's what I do know: I seek truth (FACTS) not propaganda from commentators and will always stand up for what's right (instilled in me from my flawed but brilliant dad who spoke out for justice as a WWII vet overseas as a teenager fighting against a Fascist) whether I'm labeled as a troublemaker (a lifelong label), or speak out and loud for the rights of ALL people and religions (as we are not a white Christian nation). I hope that more and more people move into a place of integrity by never accepting cruelty in any

form or sexual predators being normalized. It is time to start listening and believing the women. I know from my own experience as a victim of sexual assault twice that the trauma lasts a lifetime. I didn't admit molestation at the age of eleven until I was in my forties. trump is guilty as hell in the Epstein files, including pedophilia. A deeply evil psycho-sociopath Maxwell sex trafficked and sexually abused teenagers and perjured herself in court is responsible for harming countless girls. She was interviewed by trump's failed personal attorney and 2nd DOJ (without a Democrat public official present) made a sweetheart deal to keep her mouth shut about pedophile trump. That's the world we're living in. Can you imagine if Biden or Obama did anything like this? Impeachment would've taken place in a week!

Obviously, I'm not doing great with any of the current events in my 'our' country. I meet people along the way who are coping far better than me. How about you? If I haven't been accused of being Susie Cream Cheese by now, I never will. Values are everything to me.

To keep my sanity somewhat in check, I enjoy my rituals of early morning tea (although I sleep in more often these days for needed escape), snuggling with my kitty in the morning (who has no understanding of boundaries) surrounded by my favorite blue for a bedroom that feels like waking in an ocean, hummingbirds, writing, reading, dreaming, espresso with friends, nature, exercise 5 days a week, morning meditations, deep breathing, cultural and intellectual pursuits. That said, I find myself staring out the window for long periods of time feeling a veil of despair.

Beyond my ritual and routine, I'm under the care of a therapist for depression and anxiety. If you, like me, is having a hard time with coping, please seek help. I finally had to take it a step further when my emotional state was observed by friends and doctors. I am an empath and very sensitive to

intentional cruelty and grotesque corruption. It might be easier on me if I could be in an apathetic state-of-mind. But I'd have to go in for a lobotomy to achieve that. Simply phrased, I care... I care about it all... seeking justice at every turn. I'm a libra after all-Sign of the scales. I fantasize about moving to Italy or Spain for the next three plus years to find peace and better health. Any similar fantasies on your end?