There is a feeling of endlessness in my orbit...perhaps felt in the world, very likely in this country and perhaps by you. I'm in a perpetual state of losing sleep. I am worried and rightfully so. It is my deep desire to be back in my bliss--swimming and snorkeling in the warm turquoise ocean. I long to feel innocence, even oblivious but that's never been who I am. I simply can't hide my head in the sand but I so desire to be temporarily set free in my bliss--a respite in my second home--the tropical ocean where there are no boundaries and a welcomed endlessness as far as the eye can see. Thankfully, from my patio, I can see the Santa Barbara sea where I can look to the horizon that goes on forever and walk on the beach. But for a tropical island girl, swimming in the SB ocean is too cold for this mermaid.
Additionally, there is my endless thinking, contemplating, concern, and stress. What do we do at this time, this place in history? The country has gone mad. The Corona virus has surged with no end in sight. Many of our conservative states want to be up and running (Covid-19 be dammed), attending Trump rallies and to hell with the masks. Now we're paying for it. Far too many Trump supporters actually believe wearing a mask is a Liberal act. This insane thinking is mind-boggling. Wow, what year is it? What century are we in? During the plague a hundred years ago, wearing a mask was the thing to do. Everyone did to prevent death to themselves and others. Recently, when I social distanced myself during a power walk on Shoreline moving several feet away to get around two women I heard one of them say, "Some people are so uptight." Really? I think the more appropriate word she was looking for was "polite".
One might say that there's an endlessness of feelings this time around in my blog.
Racism is endless. We have a White House that promotes white power instead of the Constitution stating, "Liberty and Justice for All." John Lewis, a giant in civil rights movement left our planet and Congress when we need him most. We need all the brilliant, courageous, diplomatic, fighting spirits to continue their path and purpose of speaking out and fighting for what's right, that would include rule-of-law. And, the endless attack by Trump on journalists and media for intelligent investigation and the TRUTH (Trump dismisses any journalism that doesn't make him look good) needed to inform citizens (including science & medical experts) must end. We are in dangerous territory of becoming a country run by fascism that is growing by the day. Today, the most critical issue is Trump's appalling (admitted to it) voter suppression agenda--It is a perfect example of movement toward the destruction of our democracy. This is what I can't turn away from and this is what we all must be aware of and vote out.
On a personal note, my path of health challenge to do with all I've been through as a twice cancer survivor and dealing with the symptoms of a genetic autoimmune condition feels endless. But I manage it pretty well. Stress doesn't help. I find myself in this endless need to check-out, which comes in the form of my bed. I crawl in early and watch animal videos (while my foster cat who has become a fixture cat in my home is curled at the end of the bed) to distract my mind and make myself smile from cuteness overload.
I am tired all the time, which can feel endless as does depression. The feeling of being tired is something I've heard is a common experience in the time-of-Corona. I was telling a friend that it feels as though a veil has dropped over the world with a pandemic that has no politics and relentless in nature.
There is also a positive endlessness by those who are doing good in the world. They are the dedicated front-line workers, service workers, protesters that are speaking out against police brutality toward those of color, environmentalists and animal advocates who are fighting harder than ever since Trump is determined to lift all bans that protect mother-earth and wildlife. I've been an environmentalist and animal advocate my whole life and never thought we could end up here when science has warned of climate crisis for decades. We have an endless amount of public servants in DC fighting for a better country. Bless them. I know there is an endlessness to those with big hearts and intelligent minds that will beat out the sociopath as much as this last 4-years has felt endless. My heart is and will always be as big as the sea. It's sensitivity that causes my restless nights and sadness in my heart for the depth of destruction, divisiveness, and discourse in this country.đ And, there is an endlessness to loneliness. I don't think I've ever felt so lonely in my life. I know this is true for many, which is why I'm going to be truthful and write about it. While I've been on my own and experienced loneliness throughout my life, this moment in time has hit me hard. I began a partnership with loneliness beginning as a baby when my mother grew sick and died. I've lost a lot of family, friends, and lovers at a young age. I went through breast cancer and multiple surgeries over a course of several years beginning in 2013 on my own with little help or company and certainly felt isolated but I was also on auto-pilot, which is a blessing we've been bestowed because it's enormously beneficial--It numbs you out to get through and survive. Unfortunately, since my 9th surgery in January, and feeling as if all 9 surgeries hit me at once, I've felt so alone in processing trauma and getting through physical pain that held on without letting up...specifically the PTSD easily triggered. Once I began to feel more physically recovered after several weeks moving into March, we all went into isolation. There are many who struggle with isolation even when they have family in their household or a bubble created with family and friends nearby. But there are also those of us that are completely alone in the pandemic isolation where the disconnect is absolutely palpable. Don't forget us. You may know someone going through this where family or friends are far away or perhaps you know someone (like me) single and without family that you may want to reach out to. A masked social distancing get-together or a simple phone call can go a long way.đ Meantime, I seek the boundless ocean with endless rolling waves to comfort me and set my sights to get to the tropics (or the Italian Mediterranean sea) and swim in warm, turquoise water with balmy breezes that embrace me so I can escape the madness for a little while. Until I get there again, my walks, staring at the magnificent trees outside the living room window, watching my hummingbirds at the feeder, looking out to the pacific blue ocean from my patio provides the brief reprieve so needed for my spirit.
I trust you find your escape and respite in the beauty of your garden, a walk by the ocean or in the woods, catching a beautiful sunset, swimming in a blue sea, observing hummingbirds buzzing around your feeder or bloom-to-bloom, listening to beautiful music such as Four Last Songs by Strauss--https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zaAorqR0ICk; hugging your pet or enjoying a great cup of coffee. I send you love and best wishes to stay well and safe. Keep on swimming through life, Valerie Anne
